Spock: 1st officer's log, stardate 123546839421. Captain Kirk is on shore-leave, so I am in temporary command of the EnterpriseTM. We are currently on a routine mapping mission around the Zeeta nebulae.

Uhura: Mr. Spock, I am picking up a distress signal from a planet in sector Z3.

Spock: Plot a course please, Mr. Sulu.

Sulu: Co-ordinates locked and set, sir. [to Chekov] This is an improvement. The Captain never says please.

Chekov: Let us hope the Captain prrolongues his shorre-leave.

Sulu: He's on Reiser, so we could be in luck.

Chekov: Shore-leave was inwented in Rrussia.

[Wide shot - stock footage of the EnterpriseTM approaching a planet]

[Back on the bridge]

Spock: The logical alternative would be to stay on the ship, however, under the circumstances, we will beam down. Mr. Chekov, Mr. Sulu, can you report to the transporter room as soon as possible please.

[Enter McCoy]

McCoy: Dammit Spock! What's going on here?

Spock: We have received a distress call from the planet.

McCoy: Dammit Spock, you'll need a doctor. I'm coming with you.

[The surface of the planet. Spock, Chekov, Sulu, McCoy and three disposable security guards beam down. It is sandy, with many rocks. As usual.]

Chekov: My God, this is an awful place.

Spock: I understand that to be a quotation, Ensign Chekov, but I cannot remember who said it.

Chekov: Neitherr can I, Mr. Spock, but it was a Rrussian, I am pretty certain of that. I think it was the first man on the moon or something.

McCoy: [smugly] No, Chekov, that was Neil Armstrong, and he was American. The quotation was by Captain Scott, an Englishman, at the Antarctic.

Chekov: [aside to Sulu] I am sure it was said by a Rrussian. Neil Armstrong was nothing.

[Suddenly a rock explodes, a disposable security guard falls. McCoy examines him.]

McCoy: He's dead, Spock.

Sulu: [aside to Chekov] Why do I have the sudden urge to scream?

[They carry on walking. Another rock explodes. Another security guard falls. McCoy bends over and shakes his head. They carry on walking. Suddenly the third guard falls down a hole.]

McCoy: They must have very large rabbits on this planet. [giggles childishly.]

Spock: I fail to see what is so amusing, Doctor.

McCoy:. Yes, well you wouldn't, would you? But one of the reasons the human race has survived for so long is its ability to laugh in the face of adversity. Come on, are we going to see these big bunnies or not?

[They climb down the hole. At the bottom they find the third guard.]

McCoy: He's dead, Spock.

[They carry on walking. They here a hissing noise in a chamber to their left. Sulu goes to investigate. He comes out possessed]

Sulu: What pretty trees! What pretty flowers! Isn't the sky a lovely shade of bluey-mauve?

McCoy: Are you okay, dammit?

[Sulu grabs McCoy's arm. McCoy becomes possessed.]

McCoy: The sky is green. The sea is pink. Russia stinks.

[Chekov shoots McCoy with a phaser.]

Chekov: One morre little comment about Rrussia and this phaser is on "kill" not "stun".

Spock: You were right to stun him, Ensign, but he can't help it. He has become possessed by the same thing that possessed Mr. Sulu. Fascinating. [he shoots Sulu.]

[Sulu and McCoy get up again, still possessed. They sing "The Martian Hop". Then they pick up their two fallen phasers.]

Sulu: [possessed, to Chekov] What's this?

Chekov: It's a phaserr.

McCoy: Hear that? It's a flower!

Sulu: What a pretty flower! What does it do?

[He presses the trigger. Chekov falls. Sulu shoots Spock. McCoy shoots Sulu. Spock gets up and shoots McCoy. Spock helps Chekov up. McCoy and Sulu get up, no longer possessed.]

McCoy: Dammit! What's going on? I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.

Chekov: You werre a teeny-weenie liddle bit possessed, Doctorr.

Sulu: Don't tell me - so was I.

Spock: Fascinating. There seems to be some kind of force controlling this planet. It killed our security guards, and now seems to be playing games with us.

McCoy: I'll tell you something - whatever it is, it doesn't like us one little bit. Makes you wonder who sent that damn distress signal.

Chekov: Sairr, can you hear a sort of buzzing noise?

McCoy: No, I can't hear a damn thing.

Sulu: No, there is something.

Spock: It sounds like a computer, probably a very large one.

McCoy: You're not telling me we're dealing with some kind of hostile, megalomaniac computer, are you?

[There is a small earthquake, the walls start crumbling. Chekov screams. The computer terminal is revealed.]

McCoy: Who are you?

Computer: I-ask-the-questions. Who-are-you? Why-are-you-here, little-people?

Sulu: We ... er ......

Chekov: We answerred a distrress call from the planet.

Computer: That-is-quite- possible.-Any-such-call-must-have-been-intended. I-am-the-ultimate. I-do-not-make-mistakes.

McCoy: Modest, isn't he!

Spock: Are you telling us that you made the distress call?

Computer: Computing.....computing....yes-I-did.-I-do-not-remember-having-done-it,-but-I must-have-done. I-am-the-ultimate.

McCoy: I don't believe that you are the ultimate. You killed our friends, and we've not done anything to you. No ultimate being would do that, dammit!

Computer: Do-wish-me-to-prove-that-I-am-the-ultimate?

[A flash of light emerges from the computer and hits Chekov. He collapses on to Sulu, cries "Cossacks!" and blacks out.]

McCoy: What the hell did you do that for?

[Another flash, hitting McCoy. He collapses on to Spock.]

Spock: I do not see how that is going to help you.

[Another flash, hitting Spock. He and the unconscious McCoy fall on to Sulu and the unconscious Chekov. Sulu collapses under the strain. Another flash transports them into another chamber. Pause. Sulu crawls out from under the others. Spock struggles to his feet. Chekov rises unsteadily.]

Spock: Fascinating. We seem to have been beamed into some kind of sealed cave. There is a crack in that wall over there. We may be able to phaser our way through.

[He walks over to the crack and starts using the phaser.]

Sulu: [To Chekov] Are you okay?

Chekov: Yes, I think so. Arre you okay?

Sulu: Yeah. It's a good thing I had you three collapsing onto me. If it had been Mr. Scott and the Captain, I might not have been. How's the Doctor?

[They both look at McCoy. He looks very pale and still. They regard each other, beginning to comprehend.]

Chekov: [a little shaky] I hearrd once that a wery strrong phaserr beam can kill a man eeven if it on stun, eef he is not very well.

Sulu: You mean, he was shot after he had been possessed by that gas?

Chekov: Yes. I am younger than the Doctorr - and I was neverr possessed. [He bends over McCoy] Doctorr? Arre you okay? [beat] I think eet's time to vake up. Doctorr?

Sulu: Check his pulse.

Chekov: [does so] Therre ees nothing. [calls out Mr. Spock?

[Spock looks round at him, annoyed.]

Spock: Yes, Ensign?

Chekov: Eet ees the Doctorr, Mr. Spock. He ees....dead.

[Spock regards McCoy. For a moment he looks rather distressed. But then...]

Spock: I am nearly through this wall, Ensign. We should be able to get out very soon. Once out, it will be possible to contact the Enterprise(TM). I am sure Dr. McCoy will be missed, but there is nothing we can do.

Chekov: But surrely, ve cannot just leave heem here?

Spock: [coldly] If, Ensign, yourself or Lieutenant Sulu wish to carry Dr. McCoy outside, I have no objection - but it will make little difference to the Doctor.

Sulu: Ah, right.....

Chekov: Yes, I theenk I see yourr point.....

Spock: Good, I am glad. Now, I would advise you both to follow me up this corridor that I have broken into.

[They run up the corridor. Suddenly, the corridor stops. There is another rock in front. They all three fire their phasers at the rock. They find themselves in the room with the computer.]

Computer: So. You-have-escaped. This-is-very-interesting. I-will-have-to-do-something-very-unpleasant-to-you-now.

Sulu: I wonder if there's any way of turning it off?

Computer: There-is-an-autodestruct-code-but-no-one-knows-it.-I-am-the-ultimate.

Chekov: [sweetly] Vell, Mr. Ultimate, eef so, perrhaps you will not mind us trying to find the code - just forr fun, you know? Afterr all, ve will neverr find eet.

Computer: That-is-fair-enough. I-have-three-keyboards. You-may-attempt-to-discover-the-code. You-have-twentty-seconds, then-you-will-be-destroyed-for-your-insolence-in-suggesting-such-a-thing.

Sulu: [sarcastic] Nice one, Chekov.

Chekov: [panicky] Shut up and starrt prressing!

Spock: That is insubordination, Ensign. Though it is understandable.

Computer: Your twenty seconds start ....... now.

[They all begin typing codes. On the computer's screen, twenty seconds are being counted. The three officers type frantically. The computer laughs in a sinister tone. Suddenly, with one second left, McCoy appears from nowhere and whispers in Chekov's ear. Chekov types a code. The computer self-destructs. The three officers turn round to see McCoy.]

Chekov: Doctorr - you arre alive!

McCoy: Yes....I suppose I am. [he grins]

Spock: It appears, Ensign, that your diagnosis was incorrect. Although I am curious to discover how Dr. McCoy succeeded in discovering the code.

McCoy: Well actually, Spock, Mr. Chekov was right. I was dead. But there seems to be some kind of benevolent superbeing running this planet. It produced the distress signal to attract starfleet officers, in the hope that we could destroy this insane computer before it took over the planet. It brought me back to life, told me the code and beamed me into this room.

Spock: Fascinating. Well, I think we will have plenty to tell the Captain. [into communicator] Beam us up, Mr. Scott.

[And they disappear into the transporter beams]